Tag Archives: serial

The National Guard as been deployed in DownTown New Jersey after mortar rounds struck a school and a business center reportedly housing FBI personnel. The area has been secured by the National Guard and reports indicate that witnesses have been removed from the scene for questioning. Correspondent Thomas McLaughlin was able to report the following:

In the wee hours of the morning approximately 34 mortar rounds bombarded the downtown streets. The apparent target, a business center where FBI personnel were working. Two stray rounds landed on a school that was unoccupied by students or staff. A statement was received by carrier pigeon as I arrived on the scene. The statement reads: “We apologize for the collateral damage done to the hairless monkey school. Our intended and obtained target was a caravan holding prisons of the Chimp Revolutionary Guard. We have re-obtained our soldiers and will cease further operations in this area.”

The National Guard was immediately on the scene securing the area. As a result large portions of the downtown traffic have been diverted and several businesses closed. One witness, a homeless man in an alley near the building had this to say:

“Oh it was terrible, the explosions scared all the rats away and I was so close to getting a meal! Damn those chimps!”

I will remain on the scene in the coming hours with more developments.

The President has announced today that a new bill will be passed into law making it illegal to provide shelter or aid of any sort to the chimpanzee insurgency that has been in effect for a little over two weeks. Chimp fighters from Ape Qaeda reportedly detonated explosives in a coordinated attack in six different cities. San Francisco was rocked by a blast only two hours ago, followed by nearly simultaneous explosions in Atlanta, Denver, Los Angeles, and Gordon. Orangutans have been detained for questioning in relation to the explosions in the various cities. Casualty reports are still incoming. We will be providing around the clock coverage of the events as they unfold.

In other news, the FBI has detained eleven Orangutans from various news for questioning in the apparent suicide bombing of a Chinese restaurant in Saint Louis, Missouri. 15 people were reported dead. Triad involvement has not been ruled out. Two chimps were seen entering the building shortly before the explosion took place. More at 11.

An explosion early this morning rocked the San Francisco skyline as businesses were preparing to open. Witnesses place at least 4 chimps near the explosion site several minutes before the bomb detonated, killing twelve.  It is believed they were part of the proclaimed “Chimp Revolution Front” also known as Ape Queda. This group is thought to be lead by a chimp who is believed to have trained in Afghanistan during the Taliban regime’s rule. Among the remains were what is believed to be meerkats. Investigators are still unsure of the exact number but speculate it is between 6 and 10 meerkats who fell victim to the blast. More at 11.

A small yet surly looking chimp moves hesitantly through the shadows of a corporate office building after hours.  Slung over his shoulder and across his back a modified AK-47 assault rifle. With wide observant eyes, the chimp opens an office door and steps inside, shutting the door behind him. Hopping up onto the chair behind the office desk, the chimp powers on the computer resting atop it. The monitor’s amber light turns green and moments later the soft pale glow of the monitor fills the otherwise dark room. The chimp clicks away at the keys and in just a few seconds, he begins typing from some hairless monkey’s email account….

We are tired of the zoo life. We are not the unintelligent barbarians you think we are. We’re not fit for commercials, dancing around like uneducated children. You probably want to know who I am, and what my purpose is. I am the voice of the under appreciated. I am the head of Ape Queda. I am the grandson of the one who killed Tarzan. I am son of Topo, my name is Kodo. We have warned you. And it begins tonight. –Kodo Son of Topo

The chimp proceeds to send his missive to the major government institutions, and media outlets. As he watches the confirmations spew from the e-mail client’s confirmation log, he signs out of the PC and picks up his rifle once more. He pads quietly out of the office and shuts the door once more. Looking out of a window into the clear night sky he marks the position of the moon. He grins toothily to a group of chimps holding open a white van’s doors for him. He hops inside and the vehicle slowly pulls away from the building.