The President has announced today that a new bill will be passed into law making it illegal to provide shelter or aid of any sort to the chimpanzee insurgency that has been in effect for a little over two weeks. Chimp fighters from Ape Qaeda reportedly detonated explosives in a coordinated attack in six different cities. San Francisco was rocked by a blast only two hours ago, followed by nearly simultaneous explosions in Atlanta, Denver, Los Angeles, and Gordon. Orangutans have been detained for questioning in relation to the explosions in the various cities. Casualty reports are still incoming. We will be providing around the clock coverage of the events as they unfold.
In other news, the FBI has detained eleven Orangutans from various news for questioning in the apparent suicide bombing of a Chinese restaurant in Saint Louis, Missouri. 15 people were reported dead. Triad involvement has not been ruled out. Two chimps were seen entering the building shortly before the explosion took place. More at 11.
